Death by Improbability

I spend far too much time worrying about dying. Its not death so much that I am worried about, it is dying in some very embarrassing manner. These are some of the ways that I have met my demise in my daydreams this week.

1. Death by impalement. I have a car accident while I am picking my nose. The accident doesn't kill me, but my finger is forced so deep into my nose that I poke my brain and I die of a massive brain hemorrhage. Of course the EMT's discover me with my finger jammed into my nose and laugh about my demise for years.

2. Attacked by a fish. This isn't just any fish attack. I am skinny dipping (for those of you that know me I apologize for the gruesome image of me naked; for those of you that don't know me I look like a sexier version of Brad Pitt), and some fish mistakes my wiener for a worm. I die of blood loss. My body is discovered naked and wienerless. This phobia is strong enough that one time I actually turned down skinny dipping with a cute woman.

3. Escalator. I notice my shoelaces are untied while riding an escalator. A horrible image of my shoelace getting caught in the escalator flashes before my eyes, so I lean over to re-tie my laces, as I'm leaning over the seat of my pants rip down the middle, and at that very instant someone hits the escalator's emergency stop button. At this point I completely lose my balance and tumble down the escalator steps smashing my head repeatedly. The final words I hear before dying are: "Did you see that fat ass rip his pants?"

Damn, do I need some serious psychiatric counseling!